I didn’t get anything done today.

Friday! Woo! TGIF!  I don’t have classes on Friday. The sweet life, huh? Fridays off used to mean hanging out, movies, general whatnot. No longer. I have gradschoolitis, the main symptom of which is a soul crushing guilt that every free moment should be filled with work. Papers to finish, the constant threat of far-off deadlines, the constant pull of books you know you should finish, the constant nag of projects that you want to get started. Last year my Fridays, when not traveling for my assistantship, were spent doing all those things. By Friday evening I could look at my day and be pleased with everything I got done (I recognize the grammatical error I made, hang with me). Something changed this year, I’ll give you three guesses.

Dr. E works on Friday mornings, meaning I’m on daddy duty. Its a pretty sweet deal honestly. We hang out, go to the park, take a nap, read books. But we don’t get work done. The “to-do” list hangs over my head the entire morning. Dr. E finally comes home and I might run off to an afternoon meeting, or do a little field work if time permits. Then its home again, C’s bedtime comes around quickly, we make dinner, and finally there comes a moment to work right? Nah. Finally a moment to collapse into the bed, to actually talk with my wife. Inevitably we end up talking about what we need to “get done” over the weekend. We consult our calendars, and make to-do lists. Then its off to sleep, more often than not punctuated by weird dreams about how much I have to get done.

Notice a trend? Its always what needs to get “done.” Deadlines (what a morbid phrase), to-do lists, work to finish. I used to take pleasure in what was done, what I had accomplished. I’m realizing that I have to change my definition of success. Friday might just have “to be”. To be together as a family, to be content with not getting anything “done”. None of us are ever done, not with our tasks or with our becoming. I have to learn to accept that I’m not going to get as much “done” now that our family is bigger. But I do get to begin a whole lot of new things; things that will keep growing and changing for a lifetime. Maybe C has offered me the right medicine to treat my gradschoolitis. The symptoms will take a while to fade, but that’s ok. Its a treatment, not a cure.